


That’s Just Gross!  Wanna Try It?

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Plant Life [29]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Fanfiction, Farting Discussion, Humor, Kissing Discussion, Licking Discussion, M/M, Perineum, Sexual practices, Shocked McCoy, Soothing Spock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-20 08:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12428625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: McCoy is horrified to learn of one of the sexual practices that fan fiction says that he and Spock perform on each other.  But McCoy would argue against anything, until he figured out that it was for his benefit.





	That’s Just Gross!  Wanna Try It?

“Okay, Vulcan, what are you planning now? Your eyes are shining, and I can hear you panting from clear over here. You’ve been reading avidly for an hour. What’s that smutty book of yours saying now that we do to each other in bed?”

Spock’s eyes were indeed shining as he looked at McCoy. “Oh, Leonard, it says that we kiss and lick each other’s perineum.”

“That‘s sick!”

“It says that the region between the pubic area and the coccyx is highly sensitive and is considered to be an erogenous zone. We seem to do this kissing and licking of this area as a regular practice to get each other excited and receptive for anal penetration.”

“Come on! Does that make any sense to you whatsoever?! Does that even sound like a fun thing to do? I don’t know about you, but smelling somebody else’s farts is not my idea of a turn on!”

“Leonard, you have no romance in your soul.”

“A have a lot of romance in my soul! And that’s where it is staying! I got my share of fingering around with someone else’s puss when I was in med school! A dead puss can really turn you off for a live one!”

“Leonard, such language. You do not need to speak in the vernacular for me to get an idea of what you are talking about. There are perfectly fine medical terms for that area of the body to which you are so callously referring to as the ‘puss.’”

“What?! I’ve offended you?! You’re the one with the damn, sick book! I’m the one with righteous indignation seeping out of every pore!”

“And doing a very good imitation of an indignant old maid, I might add.”

“Me?! An old maid?! Why I’ve screwed around with more pussies than you’ll ever consider screwing around with!”

“That is hardly a bragging point, Leonard.”

“I take my victories where I can get them,” McCoy grumbled.

“It is a good thing that our plants are having a sleepover with their Uncle Hikaru. The prose is becoming rather purple in our quarters. This would not be a fit environment for our plants.“

“I knew when I saw you eyeing that smutty reading material that I better get the children out of here. I almost went with them.“

“Now, Leonard, that would defeat the purpose of what you call my smutty book. The fan fiction is intended to get you in the mood for a sexual encounter later on this evening.“

“Funny, all I need to get in the mood for sex is just to look at those damn pointed ears of yours. That gets all sorts of juices churning in me. All I want to do is run my tongue along that point. From then on, I‘m yours. There‘s no way I‘ll be thinking along sane lines for the rest of the evening. That‘s how much just the sight of you turns me on.“

“You do flatter me, Leonard.“

“Well, if that doesn’t work, I just ask you to get something for me out of the top of the cabinet. When you go to stretching, that is damn hot.“

“I have wondered why everything you seem to need is stored up high. Or low.”

“When you bend over and present me the north end of a chicken flying south, that is almost more than the heart of this old country boy can stand. I start thinking that you‘ve raised the thermostat in here.”

“Maybe you should watch me do exercises.”

“Somehow, it doesn’t seem to have the same result. I think that you reach further when you’re after something in particular.”

“I will have to remember what that does for you, Leonard. Perhaps I can do a slow ballet for you.”

McCoy muttered a name that is generally reserved for a deity.

“So, I am to assume that fan fiction exaggerates? You are not in favor of stimulating my perineum?”

“Was I being too subtle?!”

“Leonard, you are about as subtle as a four alarm fire.”

“Now you get analogies,” McCoy muttered. “Licking down there is a filthy practice! Do you know how many illnesses could be contracted by licking around down where someone else eliminates body wastes?! I might as well gargle with stool water before you flush!”

“I have not found that practice listed anywhere in my reading, Leonard. That is probably not a common practice used to stimulate sexual congress between two people.”

“That’s because it would be dirty and insane to mess around in a toilet bowl!”

“I thought that perhaps it was something that involved only one person. You know, Leonard, you might be doing something like that with my soiled skivvies. How would I ever know if you sneak them out to cuddle with them when I am not here.”

“You can rest your mind on that one worry, Vulcan. I do not sneak out your soiled skivvies and sleep with them next to my nose.”

Spock consulted his book. “We are quite addicted to the habit, it seems.”

“I am not gonna root my face between your prick and your asshole! I don’t care what fan fiction claims we do! Your peter breath would be overwhelming, for starters!”

“Leonard, I am quite fastidious with my toilette.”

“You go tinkle or let one fart, and that cleanliness is lost.”

“Apparently, that is not a problem.”

McCoy stood. “Well, come on.”

Spock looked up, puzzled. “Where are we going, Leonard?”

“You and your smutty book are going to bed with me.”

“Leonard, this is so sudden,” Spock said with a shy grin as he stood. “I do not know if I can perform as you wish.”

“Well, that’s your problem. You shouldn’t come around with your smutty book if you don’t intend to get me turned on. I hope that book is illustrated. If you can‘t please me, I‘ll be able to see what I‘m missing out on. And don‘t fart!”

“Oh, Leonard, you worry so.”

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing of Star Trek, its characters, and/or its story lines.


End file.
